we're blogging at a bar
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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