Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
