just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
