Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
