Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
