a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
