you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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