then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Girls should come with a carfax report
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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