Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
