she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
