you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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