I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize