sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
