I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i came on her dog
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
