i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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