Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize