I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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