the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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