She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
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