Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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