when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
