Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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