The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
