you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
