thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
