The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
