I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
