I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
