I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
