My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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