You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
