drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
