garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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