She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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