I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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