I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize