Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
