when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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