My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
