I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
