He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
