Don't make out with my wife yet
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
