I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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