my phone needs a breathalizer
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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