We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
