Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she pinky promised me she was 18
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
