He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
