if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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