I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
