Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
