Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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