I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
