I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
