You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
