when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
