I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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