I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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