As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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