We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
